It Takes A Village....

I had no idea of the response that I was going to get when I wrote my parenting post last Friday.

It's a really hard thing to admit that things feel like they are going wrong, really wrong....

especially when you're talking about your own parenting & your family.

And sometimes when you're feeling unhappy or scared, it's difficult to know where to start when attempting to explain what the issues are. 

It prompted a huge wave of comments, emails & Facebook comments.....

all overflowing with genuine concern, support and understanding.

The kindness of people I've never met, wanting to help & make it better.

People shared many of their own experiences, some of which were very personal.

My post was about the struggles I am currently having with my 11 year old daughter....

it's been a pretty stressful situation - we're not just talking eye-rolling & refusing to wear a coat to school. I have been at my wit's end.

To say it's unfamiliar territory in our relationship would be an understatement.

I cannot even tell you how enormously helpful your replies, ideas, thoughts & suggestions were....

I was quite overwhelmed & it really took me the whole week-end to even begin to process it all.

I read all the responses over & over. And then again & again.

I am honestly so touched by everyone's concern, I cannot thank you enough.

you gave me another perspective

you gave me hope

you made me realise that you too had been in this situation - and survived

you told me that it was okay to ask for help

I have lots of thinking to do but I do feel more confident that we can somehow move forward.

I don't think that it will all be resolved overnight & it's not going to be easy or pain-free.

But....somehow, we'll get through it.

Thank you so so so much....

the saying is that it takes a village and last week-end was absolute proof of that.

       

This Parenting Gig (cont'd)....aka Tomorrow is Another Day....

It's been an enormously challenging week. Or three....

I'd like to say that I've got a handle on it now....but actually I haven't.

I wrote just a couple of weeks ago here about how my parenting journey has been a relatively easy one, it all seemed to just flow so smoothly....it was straightforward.

I've always known the answers.....until now.

Suddenly, I'm in unfamiliar territory, somewhere I've never been & somewhere I really didn't want to ever go.

Every day at the moment at some point, I wonder to myself if it's just me....

am I worrying too much, over-reacting or over-thinking things. 

But....I'm not a worrier, this is a really tricky & unhappy situation & it's not just going to go away without some intervention and some work.

My daughter is struggling....and we are really struggling to help her.

We've needed support & we need more.

It is impossibly hard to see your precious child unhappy....

to see their personality changed, at times beyond all recognition.

I honestly cannot bear it.

I've had to share information that I didn't really want to share....

in order to get help that I didn't think I/we'd ever need.

I've cried. A lot. Yesterday I even cried into my coffee in the middle of coffee shop.

Thankfully I was literally surrounded by a group of the best possible girlfriends at the time.

They asked if I needed to talk or just change the subject....

and change the subject they did immediately until I was composed enough to share.

When you're a parent at school, you maintain some kind of facade, we all do to some extent....

I think I wear my emotions on my sleeve but actually I also smile easily, laugh & also often talk about the other person rather than myself.

A "playground persona" takes over.

As I say, I have been forced to ask for help & had to share private issues....

and, perhaps unsurprisingly, friends in response shared with me....

their experiences, their wisdom & their secrets.

I don't generally reveal deeply personal information about my family on my blog....

I do talk about myself sometimes though & have occasionally shared a few difficult times.

And I'm definitely all for talking about it - even when you don't quite know where to start. 

My daughter went to a new school last September.

It all started really well.

She was happy.

Six months on....she unhappy. A changed girl.

She's lost old friends & she's in with the wrong crowd. people who are doing her no good at all.

I'm not sure if one has been the result of the other.

My sense is that she's stuck & can't get herself out of this situation.

I can see how hard it is for her.

She's a pleaser, she's a fixer & she's a follower.

But she's in over her head, she doesn't want us to fix it & she's not responding that well to support & concern from us or her school.

It's affecting her enormously.

She's showing emotions & behaviour we've never seen in her before.

Many people have told me it's just pre-teen issues, this particular school year is always hard and next year, friendships shuffle around again & so much settles down.

Starting secondary school is a huge challenge.

I've also had to consider that I'm a role model for her & shared with her so much of what I have learned....and yet she has still now made some bad choices.

Her mistakes are surely my mistakes too?

It is heart-breaking stuff though....

baffing, confusing, so hard to observe....

it keeps you from eating, thinking straight, functioning - it's paralysing.

You just want everything to be right again.

Life to resume as normal.

But, as with anything like this, when you're in the midst of it, you feel as though it will never end and life never will actually be the same again....

A huge amount of hope & a lot of support from some great friends is what is keeping us going.

Tomorrow is another day.

    

This Parenting Gig.....

It may be tempting fate to say it, but I often think that I've had a fairly straightforward ride as a parent. 

My daughter (my first-born) wasn't a great sleeper but apart from that I've had two very easy children who reached & passed each milestone just like that, they grew & moved on seamlessly.

They have no allergies, they are not fussy eaters & in almost 12 years, we've only visited the hospital once.

That's not to say that it's always felt easy....

even though my youngest is now 7, I still yearn for a really good night's sleep 

(I still sleep with one ear open, I wonder if all mothers do that....).

And, like many mothers I suspect, I always feel like I could do a better job of parenting.

I absolutely know that there is no such thing as the perfect parent & I am not in the business of comparing myself to friends or other mothers at school....
we all have our own journeys & stories.

I guess it's all about wanting to be the best at the job not just for your own children but also for yourself....as a mother you tend to have to pat yourself on the back, no one else really does it for you. We have to carry out self-assessments, there are no appraisals for us.

I'm not saying for one minute I haven't felt the day to day challenges of lack of sleep & the sheer exhaustion, the ringing ears brought on by a child who just will not stop talking & the sheer challenge of never having enough minutes in the day.

But on the other hand, I appreciate there are many who face greater battles & challenges than me.

Recently, however, I have felt things starting to change.
These last few months have been the most challenging of my parenting career!
So much is new, so much is different.   

My daughter began  secondary school at the age of 11 last September.
Almost all of her class moved up to the same school.

She loves the school, she appears to have settled very well.

I knew that just as she would be dealing with many changes, we too would be facing a steep learning curve as secondary school parents for the first time.

She now walks to school by herself, she has (many) friends who I have never met & instead of one teacher, she now has 12 or more teachers, it really is a whole new world.

Back in September, I tried to stop myself from asking 1,000,001 questions every time she arrived home.
I stepped back....a little.

Suddenly though I have felt almost overwhelmed by the responsibility of having an almost 12 year old young woman in my care. 

I feel as though everything I say to her must be words of wisdom, full of advice & meaning.
I want to give her more space & a little more independence....but still retain our closeness.

I don't know why I feel this exactly since this has always been my general approach....
maybe though it's because suddenly she seems much closer to the Big Wide World.

She now has a mobile phone, she listens to music she has bought herself, she no longer likes to eat things that last week were her-absolute-favourite-things-ever.

Her room is now strictly off limits to her brother....and, imagine this, she doesn't even want to play Monopoly with us ;)

She's making more of her own decisions. And she doesn't always agree with mine.

And....wait for it....when I commented on something she was wearing the other day, she responded  (albeit in the nicest possible way) with "this is how everyone wears it, this is style".
(said in the way that only an 11 year old girl can say it)

Seriously. I know ;)

Childhood passes so quickly and now I feel as though I am on a new roller-coaster ride....
The ride will stop & suddenly she will be 18 and off to University.

I think I still thought she'd be my "little girl" for a while longer.

Sometimes she appears to be almost 12 but going on 15.

She's also grown almost overnight & is now an inch taller than me.

She bright, she's happy, she's kind, she's made new friends really easily & she has a confidence that I never had at her age....it's all good as they say.

But sometimes as a parent, it's bitter-sweet....and that's definitely how I am feeling.

It's a strange time.
Parenting is always an adventure....not for the faint-hearted!!

You move from phase to phase when they are younger & almost don't realise it....
this has been our biggest change yet.
I should feel completely happy with how her start at the new school has gone, yet a part of me feels unsettled.
And a little bit sad too.
There are parts of her life now that I am not a part of at all. And that is an odd feeling.
Before I knew everyone in her life & now I don't.

When they grow up, I hope my children will travel the world, have wonderful adventures, live and maybe work abroad just like I've done....
on the other hand, I can't imagine not seeing them every day.
You want so much for them yet when those dreams are fulfilled, you cannot always predict how you will feel.

It's just different that's all. Good-different, not bad-different.
The rhythm has altered. 

The threads that bind us together....
sometimes they may loosen but the connection is always there.
Some days you just need to remind yourself of that.
   

Practice Office Acts of Kindness Through the Holidays

Throughout the holiday season it's important to remember our loved ones. Often, we forget about the people we see everyday at work in an attempt to focus as much attention as possible on family. That being said it's always nice to remember some simple office acts of kindness throughout the holiday season to show love and support to coworkers. After all, we spend 40 hours a week fellow employees. Most corporations promote a team atmosphere and what better way to encourage these beliefs than by showing a little extra effort and support to those around you.

Have you ever had someone go above and beyond for you? If so, you know it's a fantastic feeling. Around Christmas time, we get wrapped up in things like presents when the real focus should be on love and kindness. Simple acts like taking out the trash at work can go a long way. Doing things without the thought of recognition is priceless and always offers a rewarding feeling. Grabbing an extra latte at the local coffee shop for a desk mate, restocking there printer with paper, or watering that half dead plant in there cubicle might not get you an award, but it will sure help morale and team spirit.

It's truly the little things that count. Simply asking members of your team if they need help might surprise you. Being stressed around the holidays is always tough. Sharing the workload, going above and beyond, and simply offering a helping hand at work shows that you care. It's always a good idea to get to know even the biggest introverts on your work force. They say, most of the best friendships you will ever generate form in school and at work. For that reason, getting to know the people on your team and going out of your way to take an interest in their lives might just help you to form a lifelong friendship to be proud of. Strike up a conversation, topics like lunch spot suggestions, news stories, ergonomic office products, and TV shows are a great way to gain info and perspective on coworkers likes and dislikes. Who knows, you might have more in common than you thought!

Does your business throw a holiday party? If so you will probably be pushing the office desks together to play typical games and engage in gift giving. Regardless of whose name you draw to shop for, do a little research. For the love of your job, don't just rush out and by the first candy cane tie you come across. Does your coworker love dogs? Is he or she a sports fan? A few simple questions and a nice conversation can get you the info needed to rock there world when it comes time to share in the office gift giving experience.

So the holiday season is dying down. Everyone is back in there office cubicles and hard at it. Families have headed back home. To be honest, a slight bit of depression can set in if you let it. It's hard to watch your loved ones go and know it could be months before you have the opportunity to see them again. Rest assured, you're  not the only one thats feeling that way. The good news is that your back with your work family who you will be able to relate to and spend time with all year round. Hopefully you have taken the time to show some random acts of kindness throughout the holiday season and built a better friendship with those around you. Bring in some doughnuts or a homemade dip to share after the Holidays have passed. Ask coworkers how there family time went and take an interest. Before you know it these tasks will be like second nature.

In closing, love and respect should be given to those around you without effort and regardless of what holiday is around the corner. Too often we are preoccupied with the next big project and miss the joy of everyday things. Regardless of if you write for an office furniture blog, teach, or run a fortune 500 company, caring goes a long way. The biggest act of kindness you can always share is your time and support of those around you.